Madness Factor

As promised, here is the list of Things I Won’t Miss About Seattle… Or, more accurately, Things I Don’t Miss About Seattle. (For balance, please see the list, Things I Miss About Seattle.) Over the next few posts after this, I will attempt to recap our travels east, and tell the tale of moving into our old farmhouse after having it bought it sight unseen.

But now, without further ado…

Things I Don’t Miss About Seattle

• Traffic: I don’t know if I really need to elaborate on this, but suffice it to say, traffic in Seattle simply sucks. Some days I would decide not to go anywhere just because the prospect of creeping along roads—with signs depicting speed limits that almost taunted me along the way—only to arrive at my destination to discover absolutely no parking, well, just didn’t seem like a good one. (I’m not averse to public transportation, either, but sadly, public transportation in Seattle leaves MUCH to be desired. Unless you really like spending LOTS of time on a bus. That’s why I voted for the monorail—see below.)
• Seattitude: You know that air of condescension and the hipper-than-thou-attitude oozing from certain music store clerks? Well, imagine that pervading popular coffeeshops, clubs, barbershops, the alternative press, and even entire neighborhoods. It’s like these places were populated by carbon copies of Jack Black’s character in High Fidelity, but without the funny.

• The Stranger (alternative weekly): See “Seattitude,” but add “extra mean and nasty” to the equation. ‘Nuff said.
• Seattle “Politeness”: Ah, Seattle and its paradoxes. The yin to Seattitude’s yang is Seattle politeness. Just in case you weren’t sure, there is such a thing as being too polite. This becomes particularly evident at any Seattle four-way stop. Person to my right: Just go, already!
• Seattle “Niceness”: Similar to politeness, but slightly different. Sufferers of Seattle niceness are very warm when they meet people, but cold when it comes to connecting with them. They offer, almost pathologically, “to get together sometime,” with absolutely no intention of ever following through. This condition is highly contagious. Hopefully now that I have relocated, I have rid myself of this insidious disease. For more on Seattle niceness, see this Seattle Times article.
• Natural “Disaster” Ill-Preparedness: Last winter proved to me that Seattle is absolutely screwed if there’s ever a major natural disaster. Or if it snows.
• Earthquakes: I was there for four of them, and it was four too many—particularly that big one in February of 2001.
• Vern Fonk Ads: Okay, so maybe I will miss them a little…. (YouTube link)
• The EMP Building: Or as I like to call it, the Technicolor Blob. It’s just ugly.
• Seattle Politics: If there’s a place that could make you feel like your vote doesn’t count, Seattle’s it. Things you vote for don’t happen, and things you vote against do. Or the city makes you vote on an item ‘til they get the result they want, winning through sheer “voter exhaustion.” Monorail, anyone? (I voted for it every time, but alas….)